Just A Little Push Will Help You Step Off The Ledge [PT1]

The thing to know about me - and believe me there could be many things - is that often, no, more than often I over think things. That includes this blog, as I tap-tap-tap the keys. When I have to deliver the bad news I can't just present the news. No, I have to work over every permutation, every possible thing that could be asked, could be said, could be thought, think about every thought I might have, write the script and hope that the dissertation that I spill forth is more than diarehea of the mouth and is something resembling a well intentioned individual, just trying to make his way in the world.

Digression

[You'll more than likely find that my punctuation sucks, I never know where a comma belongs, I think and type too quickly to remember the rules.]


So, what I have said yet? Nothing really.

Well I told my firm - an architecture firm I have been with for six years [i left for a two month period almost exactly a year ago] - that my wife and I will be moving to the Twin Cities area at the end of October. Everything up to that point was nerve wracking, I kept thinking I would be told to pack my shit and don't let the door hit me on the way out, that there would be questions, prodding, chastisment and water torture, but nothing like that happened. What did happened was compasion was displayed for individual and his becoming, his journey to becoming not only a better architect, but a better person and better husband. For that I am eternally grateful.

Hospital

Hospital, originally uploaded by betadinesutures.

This is me four years after a car accident, laying in a hospital bed in Philadelphia trying yet another treatment for yet another diagnosis regarding the pain. This physician seems to think the pain is related to RSD, at the moment I snapped this photo I am hoping he is right. Five days of lidocaine infused through my body, five blood draws at 5:30 am - in more than five locations - one fainting spell, and one IV relocation I hope this works. This procedure, it is hoped will shut down and reboot the nerves that are causing the pain. My stay in the hospital will take place in the cardiac wing, the lidocaine tends to slow down the heart rate and blood pressure so my heart needed to be monitored.

In the bed next to me is a cocaine using alcoholic that was brought to the hospital for chest pains. Everyday he complained and farted like a barnyard animal.

This is the first time I have been in the hospital and was actually able to eat solid food, but of course everyday I was given food I can't eat.


I feel horrible, partly because of the drug, but mostly due to the fact that there are people here much more infirmed than myself and I am just complaining about pain in my neck, shoulders and back.

I am

I am that thing
you hate the small
things
adore the depths
of my despair you
proclaim the empty
is worthy of my time
only if you could
if you could
s e e

how dark the light
is from the bottom